Before I begin to give advice to others about their health and fitness goals, I want to share with you bits and pieces of my own journey. My goal in sharing this is that perhaps you might relate to something I went through and learn now, what took me 14 years to learn for myself. As you read through this, please know that posting these pictures is very hard for me, and sharing some of the darkest parts of my past is even harder.
Social media gives us a way to hide who we truly are and only show the world what we want them to see. But my reality is that I have always struggled with my weight, my body image, and low self-esteem. Today, I am happy to say that I am the happiest in my own skin as I have ever been, but I would be lying if I said there aren't still days when I break down and cry after looking in the mirror or at the scale.
My journey to this point is an ugly one, but I want to be as open and real about it as I can because I know that there are so many other girls who struggle with a lot of the same things that I did. Hopefully my story might save them a few years of pain. A large majority of what I am about to talk about, I have never shared with other people. I am not proud of where I came from, but I am proud of how far I have come and look forward to growing stronger in the future.
Junior High 2009-2011
130-145 lbs.
My Battle with Bulimia
I was bulimic for my entire junior high school years. I don't have a picture for this time period because I had deleted or un-tagged myself in any photos that showed my stomach. At this point in my life, I had hardly any body fat. I was a classic example of body dis-morphia. I can pin-point the exact cause of my eating disorder that lasted well into my sophomore year of college.
When I made the cheer team in 8th grade, I had just hit puberty and grew double Ds pretty much over-night. Cheerleading uniforms were handed down as girls in the grades above us moved to High School. When I made the team, everyone made a big deal about saving the largest sized uniforms for me-because I needed the extra room in my chest. But of course me, being a 15 year old girl, only heard "save all the largest uniforms for Karrah because she's the fattest one on the team." This was the first time I had felt "fat" around my peers. I was 15 and already had the body of a woman, a body that none of my other friends had at the time. Because of this, I felt like something was wrong with me and became insecure.
Trust me, I know how silly that sounds. But people don't realize how small instances like that can alter a little girl's entire image of herself. We are so delicate when we are young. Society's sexualization of women and idolization of the ideal "model body" has made it so much harder to teach young girls to love themselves and stop comparing themselves to others.
Knowing nothing about health and fitness, and relying on what society had exposed me to, I jumped into starving myself and throwing up every meal as a way to lose weight.
When I got to high school in 2011, I learned about the effects that bulimia could have on your vocal cords. At this point in my life I thought I wanted to pursue singing, so I tried to stop throwing up everything I ate. Keyword- "tried." My body had become so used to throwing up after eating that I ended up physically having to throw up after larger meals for about 2 more years. Thankfully, I had a good friend that told my mom about my eating disorder. My mom would go check the toilets after I ate-especially when we would go out to eat. As much as I got mad at her for doing that and accusing me of throwing up if I got up to use the bathroom at dinner, my mom is the main reason I was finally able to kick the habit.
This was the most that I have ever weighed. I had stopped throwing up, but due to tearing my ACL, I was unable to work out for about 8 months. I know most people would never say I was "fat" in this picture. But back then, I definitely thought I was. Want to know the crazy part? Even though I would cry and hate myself over my weight, I didn't do anything about it. I would eat Sonic every day after school, I would go get Mexican food sometimes twice a day, and even after my knee healed, the only workout I would outside of cheer practice was running.
Not only did I go back to my nasty habit of bulimia, but I would take laxatives before bed at least 3 nights a week. This was the skinniest I have ever been in my adult life. I would run 5 miles BEFORE my 3 hour MSU Cheer practices. I would also replace breakfast and lunch with a protein shake. I was eating under 1200 calories a day, running 5 miles a day, enduring 3 hours of college cheer practice, had 6am cheer workouts, AND popping laxatives like they were tic-tacs.
This was the hardest I ever worked to stay skinny. It was not only exhausting, but so horrible for my health. I was sick ALL THE TIME because I didn't ever allow my body to stay hydrated or absorb any nutrients.
My story starts getting a little less tragic about now! I finally ditched bulimia for good and quit laxatives (for the most part). This was the year that everyone on Facebook started selling Advocare, Plexus, Itworks, etc. I am in no way saying that all cleanses and supplements are bad for you, but the way that I used them was.
I probably spent more days on a cleanse sophomore year than I did not on a cleanse. I loved that cleanses made my stomach so flat from releasing all the junk that had been building up in there. A cleanse once or twice a year is great for that reason. However, when you do them once or twice a month like I was, it is a miracle that I have any liver left at all. Besides the fact that cleansing this often was rubbing my liver and kidneys raw, I started to think I couldn't keep my stomach flat without being on one. I probably spent close to 4 grand on diets and supplements that year alone. I even sold Plexus for a little while just to get a discount.
This was the first year that I started weight training and eating paleo. I stopped fearing food and started fearing chemicals in processed foods. I used light weights and still relied heavily on cardio. I would run 3 miles, and then do basic weight training with small amounts of weight because I was scared of getting bulky (DUMB). I still took a lot of supplements- especially Advocare. I didn't have a lot of education about health and wellness during this time, so I was quick to take supplements just because I assumed I needed them. This was also the year that I became interested in holistic healing and being GMO free. In summary, this year was a good turning point because it led me away from "quick fixes" and towards using food as medicine and fitness as my weight-loss method. However, I was still spending soooo much money on supplements.
SO. This slight weight gain in the before picture was kind of purposeful, believe it or not. When I moved to Nashville, I decided that I wanted to test out real deal weight training because I really wanted to grow a booty. I did research on how to grow glute muscles. What I learned is that growing muscle is hard, but growing muscle in your booty is the hardest, and maintaining that muscle is even harder. I needed to lift heavy, and give my body tons of food and protein. I did a "bulk" for about 7 months.
The "before" picture was taken at the end of that bulk, in January of 2018. I had gained about 5 pounds total and certainly looked a little fluffier than I prefer. I didn't let it bother me because it was all part of the process. I was taking about 10 supplements a day; protein, collagen, BCAAs, fat burner, greens powder, probiotic, digestive enzyme, spirulina, Spark, and a few others.
The "after" picture was taken 4 months later, right before my wedding in June. I had completed a "cut" and continued working out as I did before, but added in more cardio (I was doing hardly any during the bulk). I lost a total of 15 pounds during my cut. It was easy. I just focused on eating clean, whole foods and counted calories to make sure I was maintaining a small caloric deficit. I ate about 1800-2200 calories a day, depending on how active I was.
This photo makes me so proud because it marks the first time in my entire life, that I have lost weight and successfully kept it off for an entire year. And here is the craziest part- I am more lenient with my diet than I have ever been. I eat more now than I ever have! Weight training and a balanced diet has changed my life and given me freedom that I have never had until now. The only supplements I take now are a daily probiotic, a digestive enzyme, and collagen (as my BCAA and protein supplement).
I am able to live with a less restricted diet now because of these reasons;
1. Weight training has helped me gain more muscle. Muscle burns more calories; so my metabolism is higher than it has ever been.
2. I stopped trying to work out to look like a Victoria Secret model and started working out for my actual body type. Not everyone will respond to the same types of workouts. I am a mesomorph, so I have to train heavy and dynamically.
2. I stopped trying to work out to look like a Victoria Secret model and started working out for my actual body type. Not everyone will respond to the same types of workouts. I am a mesomorph, so I have to train heavy and dynamically.
3. During weekdays, I eat paleo and maintain a small caloric deficit. That way, if I go out on the weekends, I can go into a caloric surplus one night and it won't cause me to gain weight, because the deficit from the week balances it out! (Entire post explaining this in depth to come.)
In conclusion, I've come a long way. I have made almost every mistake in the book and abused my body in some of the worst ways. I certainly don't think that I have the perfect body, there is still much that I would like to work on and change. But I know now that I don't have to kill myself in the gym, starve myself, or spend 1000s of dollars on supplements to get the body that I want.
More importantly, I have learned to stop trying to look like society's version of the "perfect body" and instead, aim to be my healthiest and most confident version of myself.
Be consistent and listen to your body. If you are hungry, eat! Period. Don't make losing weight harder than it is and don't make being skinny your top priority in life. Make being healthy your top priority, and a thinner you will be a bonus.
More importantly, I have learned to stop trying to look like society's version of the "perfect body" and instead, aim to be my healthiest and most confident version of myself.
Be consistent and listen to your body. If you are hungry, eat! Period. Don't make losing weight harder than it is and don't make being skinny your top priority in life. Make being healthy your top priority, and a thinner you will be a bonus.
It really does just come down to the basics: A healthy diet and regular exercise.
Thanks for reading! Remember, you are never alone in your insecurities and a quick fix approach to losing weight is never the answer. I hope my story might help you reach your goals a little faster and in a much healthier way.
XOXO Karrah
